Spoiler alert. I failed hard at van life in the conventional sort of dreamy, I’m gonna live in the National Forest or at the beach and somehow commute to work in LA and live this simple existence total bad ass fantasy that I had tried to prepare for myself. I spent a week constipated and freaked the F out before I asked for help. That’s what this was really all about after all: vulnerability. I’d become pretty isolated, proud and cocky.
I spent the last 10 months asking for help and letting the people who I was in community with take care of me. Letting them love me. And you know what most of the time I was too big of a coward to ask. I’d never been in such a vulnerable position, and I still couldn’t get my ego out of the way. People calling me out of the blue offering shelter, food, showers, and company. All I had to do was graciously accept. And most of the time I still couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to be a burden. Didn’t want to need help. Didn’t want to have any pieces of my heart exposed.
Somewhere on the road I found this language around love from Dr. Alexandra Soloman. She says “Love is letting yourself be defined as the light that is around you. [That] loving means letting yourself be defined by something near to you. [It] demands contact.” And now I’m paraphrasing a bit…that it moves us, changes and touches us. The risk of being that close. Surrendering, allowing yourself to matter that much to another. Remaining open and changed and getting to keep the love shared no mater the outcome.
In far more pictures than words, my language of choice, these are the people who pulled me through. Taught me to love again. The people who moved me and held my hand and offered their hearts to me when I didn’t have anything material to offer in return.
“I have a shameful amount of gratitude. It’s hard to express it sometimes, because I think I might turn people off, the overwhelming gratitude I feel for it all.” - Jeff Tweedy
First, My sweet friends and former coworkers Sarah and Chanel let me crash with them. Sarah helped me get my wisdom teeth out. I was a pretty big let down. No funny high rambling stories. Just some very sexy selfies and a rom-com movie marathon. Oh and that’s Amrick. Gosh dang it he’s a helluva human and the funniest IT Director I’ve ever had.
It would be absurd to leave out this fool. I call her Erin. She always seems to know when to show up that pretty ass bird.
Next my friend from college, Justin, asked me to help with the set design and BTS for a really cool pilot about mental health called The King’s Table. We even got to set up a promotional photo shoot for it.
Jon and Sally Corum are my childhood friends. They let me stay at their apartment in Koreatown for December and January while they were home in the Midwest on holiday. This allowed me to finish training the staff at work and to save a few more pennies at my photo studio gig in Compton. I snuck in a really sweet hike with Bronwen and Jeremy in Ojai too.
Ha don’t you believe for a second I missed an Indiana Christmas with the fam and a New Year’s Eve with Maggie. Sorry bout it California, I loved them first. For some reason I couldn’t find a picture of everyone, so Thanksgiving 2021 will have to do. That’s a wild bunch. Love you all.
As soon as my stay was ending in Koreatown, my life transitioned up to the central coast and immediately I got a call out of the blue from my former Creative Director at Wayfair. Lori sent me a simple message. “How are you doing. I was thinking about you.” My stubborn ass had to call her back and say you know what I’m scared, I don’t have income, housing, or a plan really. I thought I could live in my van and ride this out, but I’m actually really bad at it. I need help. She and her husband Ray took me in for the next 6 months no strings attached. They let me take over the dining room for a few months to create the pages for my Chairscapes book.
Then, in March started surfing with Cheyenne. We found each other through a Friday Meet-up beginners surf group. This girl dealt with my cranky ass. Surfing is a pain.
On April 7th got a barista job at Beacon Coffee in Ojai. Making coffee is not an easy job. This is probably one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever had actually. Show your favorite caffeine dealers a little extra love next time you splurge on a specialty coffee. (or any person who does nice shit for you honestly)
Then I tried to live in van again in the Los Padres National Forest for shorter durations.
April 30- May 2nd Margie visited. The stoke was very high. She got us a hotel in Ventura and we found all the delicious snacks.
May 1st- Got first art studio ever in Ventura and moved out of storage. I let go of a few more things and made way for whatever was coming down the line next. Found a good home for my mattress and dresser and an even better home for all of my art supplies :)
I tried a few times to stay in the forest for a week. I thought the art studio would be enough “home” to get me through, but I was showering in the ocean. I didn’t sleep well, made a lot of coffee each day, and never felt safe. It was still too big of step for me, so I commuted to Ojai each day from Ray and Lori’s an hour away in Moorpark.
In June I went to see my family in Yosemite. We celebrated my mom’s birthday up there. Uncle John lives in Santa Rosa. I share his love of hospitality and home baked goodness. He hosted us the first night and sent us on our way with a million home baked treats. Also, side note. Have you ever watched someone repair a tire by themselves? My dad is so freaking cool. Mom too. She had the aux cord. You know we were rocking Collin Raye and Neil Diamond rolling through the park singing loud for all to hear. She led the pack per usual and had us focused with all those elevation gains on our hiking endeavors. Sam decided that he was going to be a professional rock climber on this trip staring up at El Cap at sunset. I don’t want to misrepresent him with a direct quote, but it went a little something like this: I don’t care that you and Jake go on adventures now that you’re old. I want to go on adventures now before I get old like you. I want to take my own path. As of this writing he has switched career paths and wants to race BMX bikes. Lead the way man. Love you endlessly.
In July Jake came to visit. We stayed at a farm in Ojai for a week and did a bit of adventuring in the national forest nearby. My friends Jack and Sophia took us in and made our trip way more comfortable than HWY 33. They shared their cool little spot on the Ventura River and pies and music and art doodles and lots of coffee.
For most of August I dog sat in Ojai for Brian. This is Ziggy. He and I hung out and made strawberry jam. Also Quinn, well he’s great. A musician and philosopher and brilliantly open hearted surfer from San Diego. We met at a cook out at Jack and Sophia’s on Memorial Day We taught each other loads of important things. I love his deep resonance with music and love of words.
I turned 30! Yep, It was dirty, flirty, and fun. The team took me out in Ventura, then I went to Ohio to celebrate with Maggie and Mark!! Thats Hannah there on the left. We were music video vixens for our friend’s alt band. Marge and I got a million coffees per usual, went on a very romantic dinner date, and picnic-ed on the little Miami. Oh and I snuggled with Max. F that cat and his loud mouth,
Got promoted. Now I’m the art director for Beacon. Yes these people are my bosses! That’s John and Jen and the rest of the leadership team. We make beautiful coffee for and with beautiful people. Can’t wait to tell you all more about these cool farmers and communities where speciality coffee is grown.
September was epic! I was feeling pretty done with commuting and van shit, so I rented a room and a shower from a friend for the month. That’s Bronwen by the way. She’s in coffee too and the most compassionate and patient woman and fellow adventurer. AND then I started rock climbing! That’s Brendan and my first trip to Joshua Tree! Ah this man. He makes me feel brave and calm when I’m absolutely terrified. He has this impossibly sincere hearted character, a carpenter, adventurer, climber, skateboarder, and creator of beautiful communities among other things.
In October I found the next ledge. The next place to call home, Ventura, California. I moved onto Hope street, lol, a 250sq ft master bedroom a few miles from this super beginner surf break called Mondos. 5 miles away from my art studio where I’m installing my first dark room. 5 miles from the climbing gym and the coffee roasting plant. 30 min from the edge of Los Padres National Forest and that epic sunrise cathedral where Terry teaches me about Qi gong. I’m 40 min away from very dope climbing friends and community in Santa Barbara, and 1 hour away from the sprawling madness and wild chaos of Los Angeles. So here’s where we part. I’ll be growing and changing forever. Chasing this wild heart from the front seat. Windows down. Singing my brains out.
Beat still my heart. Learn your rhythm in time. This life is for living and loving messy and beautifully. Full of half truths and contradictions. Speaking of which, not sure if I’m really much of a van blogger. I’m really happy I documented this journey. Light is still my all time favorite. I like to throw together little stories on Instagram from time to time. You can check out my adventures there if you like I suppose.
In relaying all of this to you. I realized that mostly this has nothing to do with me specifically. Yes, writing it all out has been therapeutic and instrumental for me to begin sharing openly. This is actually about dreams. More specifically your own. Living them out and finding the present.
Currently I’m reading “ How to Write One Song” by Jeff Tweedy, so I’ll sign off with his quote I just ran across.
Do it for love!
“I’d like to believe that everybody, if allowed to pursue their dreams and passions, would have a gift for something. A gift for making somebody feel better, maybe. It just seems like humans…we’ve got to all be good at something.”
“You have to stop thinking about anything other than what happened when you were a little kid, and you laid on the floor and you drew. And you lost yourself in that drawing.”
Thanks Jeff. And you…well, go on then. Have a fabulous adventure.